photo credit: Dennis Wong

I have a glass table and chairs and I like them a lot. Last week one night George came over. He just walked in with a 6-pack of beer and plopped himself down at the glass table in the dining room. I didn’t like this. Why was he here? He said, “Hey, girl, what’s it going to be tonight?  I’m really hungry.  I know I’m late, but you’re kinda slow so everything should work out. I brought this 6-pack so I wouldn’t die of starvation.” I told him I hadn’t been to the grocery and the refrigerator was empty. He couldn’t expect me to whip up something just like that. Then I saw the beers on my beautiful glass table making a big wet spot. Something just exploded in my brain.”George, leave now. I have no food. I think you’re rude and you are ruining my table.” I grabbed the 6-pack and tossed it into the trash on top of rotting vegetables. You know how rotten potatoes smell! Nothing worse!

Before I came here on vacation I had never thought of having a glass top dining table, but since I’ve been wandering around in the French Quarter, I’ve had several epiphanies. The people in this town really know how to decorate with imagination. I’ve walked into several patios with bubbling fountains  where I’ve seen glass tables surrounded by ferns. Very cozy spots to have coffee and beignets. Another thing you see a lot of in the French Quarter are strip clubs–you know, like ‘take off your clothes’ clubs. I don’t mean antique furniture stripping. I had a couple peeks into the Naked Kitten and my curiosity had been aroused. My wife said she wanted to take a nap before we went out later so I figured this was my opportunity. The Naked Kitten had just opened.  I was lucky to get a front row seat. An exotic young woman was dancing on top of a round glass table in the middle of the stage. Suddenly there was a loud cracking sound and the table split.

I’ve been looking through catalogs for weeks for a glass dining table. I never thought it would be so difficult to find what I need.

Most of the tables I’ve seen are round. I’ve seen some that are oval. None of those is what I need. I’ve even called a couple 1-800 numbers and you’d never believe what those operators tell me.

First of all they usually tell me that they know nothing about the products.  They just answer the phones and transfer calls to various extensions.

I’ve asked, “Who can I speak with who can tell me about oblong glass tables?”

Once this guy asked me,“How do you spell that?”

“Oblong?  It’s O-B-L-O-N-G.”

He asked, “What language is that?”

I said, “It means longer than it is wide.”

He said, “Man, you really know some stuff, lady.”

“Thank you. Now can you give me the extension of the person who knows about long glass tables?”

“We don’t do that, ma’am. I’d get fired.”